Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Some Other Beginnings End

I started "The Dapper Diary" as an experiment in writing and experience.  It was my outlet to get my frustrations out in order to keep the sanity in my heart. It came from a place of pain and confusion and has evolved into a path of progression and opened doors and dreams I never had for myself.

It's been through writing I found my own truths. I was forced to look at the ugliness that resides behind the smile. It is here I learned to live without filter, without the responsibility of grace and just be raw and unapologetic in my feelings. Most importantly, I've learned to have confidence in my craft. If nobody ever reads anything else I ever write in life, I am joyful in my own pursuit of perfecting my craft.

This place was not meant for forever. The more I become a student of writing, the closer I grow in my purpose I understand and yearn for greater. I can't do that with the subjects and confinements of this place. The picture painted here is not end, but the beginning of a bigger masterpiece. For now, the piece of my mosaic that is "The Dapper Diary" has been completed. I will not be writing in this space anymore. Feel free to browse through the entries as you like. They will stay here, I don't plan on taking them down.

I want to thank all my readers and subscribers who comment, who converse about the topics at hand, who inspire me to keep writing. This is not the end, more like the evolution and I hope to share the next beginning with you as well :)
Coming October 2014
The Hangover
A Dream Chaser's Journey to recovering life one recipe at a time


Much Love,

Angie Dapper

Monday, April 28, 2014

Say What's Real...

I'd rather you say "I'm lonely, I need companionship" than, "I miss you." because:

1. You have all my information: phone number, email, social media handle, blood type, mother's maiden name, etc....but you only reach out when you feel me out your grasp
2. You're really just testing the knob to see if the door is still open...and we both know it.

I'd rather you say "let's have sex" than, "I want to make love to you" because:

1. You don't love me, and I don't love you.
2. Doing it all gentle like and looking in my eyes while doing it doesn't count as love -making, it's just sex, slow..

I'd rather you say "I'm bored and you're steady" than, "I am going to make you my girlfriend" because:

1. You and I BOTH know if you wanted me to be your girl, I woulda been your girl.
2. We can't give each other what we both need in a relationship.

I'd rather you say, "I don't like you enough to commit", than "I just need time to get myself together for us." because:

1. You know that's the most bitch ass cop out ever, for the self defined "real nigga" you kept telling me you were when I met you.
2.  Commitment to you means commitment to support your goals. But you already know that...

I'd rather you say "You aren't my type...and I like my type" than, "Why can't you be like (fill in the blank)'s girl."  because:

1. I'm not her. I will never be her. I'm not trying to be like her.
2. I accept you as you are, why shouldn't I be afforded the same opportunity.

Why sell a dream? Who told you I needed one? How come you think my dream involves being a girlfriend/wife to someone who treats me like you? Ever think you were a filler for my boredom and loneliness too? Why not admit that I'm not special to you and you are expendable to me? Why do all the words coming out your mouth taste like sugary coated bullshit on my mind. Am I not worth the truth? Or do you think the truth is too sour for me to digest? Why not just say what's real? Or is that too hard to deal with?.....

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Friends Don't Give Forehead Kisses: A List of Thing Friends Don't Do

A List of Things Friends Don't Do

1. Friends don't kiss after the lets-just-make-sure-we're-just-friends kiss
2. Friends don't cuddle, naked. period.
3. Friends don't sext, ever.
4. Friends don't give forehead kisses.
5. Friends don't text messaging you "Good Morning, Beautiful" when they wake up everyday.
6. Friends don't day dream about that one time you had sex and call you and remind you about it...and ask when you're gonna do it again.
7. Friends don't leave scratches on your back or bite marks on your neck.
8. Friends don't grab your ass or comment on its thickness.
9. Friends don't block when an attractive person is trying to talk to you.
10. Friends don't get mad when you get up and say "I can't stay" after having the sex you shouldn't have had.
11. Friends don't hold hands like lovers while walking down the street.
12. Friends don't hide girlfriends/boyfriends, jump-offs, side chicks/side dick.
13. Friends don't rub your nose, with their nose (unless your friend is a dog...and I'm not talking about the ones that wear gold boots.)
14. Friends don't know where to kiss on your body to make your eyes roll back.
15. Friends don't say nasty things in your ear about the things they can do to you with their tongue.
16. Friends don't lick their lips and do the Birdman Hand Rub when they see you walking toward them.
17. Friends don't get mad when you don't respond to their 2am-after-the-club "I miss you" text.
18. Friends don't have to say "friends first" because they should always be friends...

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

For Single Girls Who Consider Becoming Asexual When Text Messaging Isn't Enough...

For Single Girls Who Consider Becoming Asexual When Text Messaging Isn't Enough...
A Text Message Conversation:

Guy: "Hey Beautiful! What's up?!"
Me: "Hi. Just doing some writing. What up?"
Guy: " Oh I just wanted 2 see how u were doing. u crossed my mind. u always busy. Don't have time to hang with me :("
Me: " I make time but I told you to call me so we can make plans!"
Guy: "I don't talk on the phone. That's not my thing. So I guess I'm not ur type."
Me: "I guess not..."
So this is what is hot in the streets now? Making first date plans via text message? I don't get it....
Guy: "Y u so stubborn? U trippin! *wink wink*"
Me: "You said you were going to call and you didn't...and why are you abbreviating things? You have a full QWERTY keyboard."
Guy: "I forgot u Columbia girls are bougie. gotta call and shit!"
I look at my phone and shake my head in disappoint. We had a really great conversation when we first met. I completely expected more than this. I expected a phone call, not an abbreviated-fake flirty text message session. Am I really bougie for wanting a guy to pick up the phone and ask me out? I mean if I ask a guy out (and I have before), I call. Isn't that how it's supposed to go? What the fuck happened to conversations about plans so you could hear the enthusiasm in the other person's voice? Again, I don't get it!
Me: "So I'm bougie for expecting a phone call? ok."
Guy: "Yeah, that's kinda thirsty. I'm not thirsty. I don't chase woman. They chase me."
Thirsty?!? Really?!? Seriously?!? No! Like for real?! This can't be life! Calling a woman...so you could make plans to take her out...is considered thirsty behavior? Who knew! Not me!
Me: "Oh. ok. I've made a mental note. Thank you for informing me. I greatly appreciate it."
Guy:" lol. R U being sarcastic?"
Me: "Can you hear the tone of my voice through text message?"
Guy: "No. I never heard u be sarcastic..."
Me: "Interesting..."
I just HAD to make my point.
Me: "Well, I'm sure I will see you out and about again. I hope you have weekend:)"
He was so damn fine it was hard to let him go. I can't deal with this new aged Negro stuff. I don't have the energy to translate mind games and Google doesn't have that option yet.
Guy: "Damn u gonna do me like that?!? Well MAYBE I'll give you a call! I wanna get up with u. I think ur really dope!"
I feel like a charity case. Like, I-usually-don't-do-this-but-I-will-make-the-exception-for-you type of shit. I feel like I'm supposed to respond with a "Thank you, daddy!" but he may not get the sarcasm oozing from my fingers....
Me: "Thanks for thinking I'm dope."
Guy:" What about me?"
I stared blankly at my phone. All attractiveness I had for this man went away. It's too early to be catering to egos and what not. I can't get a call, but I gotta give him a compliment because he half-assed an attempt to give me one first? 
Me: "I think you should stop texting me and enjoy your night."
Guy: "Damn. It's like that! I c u. Well Miss enjoy ur writing. Coulda been eating and drinking good tonite!"
I left it there. I never responded. I never cashed in on the free meal. I never waited for a phone call. I just kept writing and spent my evening on the couch watching Netflix. I'm lonely as hell but I'm done with the desperate stage of singleness. I'd rather become asexual. It's so much easier than playing  passive aggressive text messaging games filled with thirst traps....

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Fat Girl

My name is Angela and I am fat girl. With a height of 5'5 and 3/4th, and a weight of 210lbs, by definition I am obese. I have curvy hips, a booty, my thighs touch, and I have a gut; I see these thing when I look in the mirror. I accept my body and cover it accordingly to "hide" my flaws. I don't let my weight dictate my worth so why try to make me feel so insecure about it?
I know I can't wear tight ass dresses or certain suits without spanx, but does this make me less than a person? Nope! Yeah my clothes size is in the double digits, I have never been a size 8 (even when I had a super flat stomach) but does that mean I'm supposed to just settle for the desperation of any man's affection? Hell naw!
In my lifetime I've had men, women, family and "friends" around me try to make me question my worth based upon the scale. I know what girl gets pissed when I pull the guy they want when I'm in a blazer and they're in the world's tightest freakum dress. I know the guy talking about me being shaped like "fat zero" after walking away from a situationship that was just not working out. I know the family members who think I'm ugly and overweight. Trust me, I hear and see everything, I just don't hold value to it.
I guess the words and actions of these people are supposed to make me feel less than. I guess they think they are better than me because their stomachs are flatter or because they take showers with their shirts on, I don't know! But in my world they hold no weight.
Once I embraced my fat, I became weightless to the expectations of others. It doesn't hold me back anymore. My confidence is bigger, my moves are bolder, my light shines brighter.
In order to change, you have to accept where you are at. I'm happy to report I'm down 45lbs as off today! My goal is not skinny, I actually just want to be a runner (another future blog post) so I gotta lose some of this weight to make the journey.
I'm still a big girl. I accept it. It doesn't make me less than a whole, or not worthy of praise. I just am what I am, and that happens to be fat and I am OK with that.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

4 Young Black Women on a Couch: The Reality Not Shown on TV

Photo Credit: Polaris

The following is a post from my collab with "Just Politickin" (check it out). Since this whole Mimi Sex Tape drop, I thought it was appropriate to visit this once again. Enjoy, reflect, discuss and share!

-Angie Dapper

4 Young Black Women on a Couch: The Reality Not Shown on TV

It’s Ladies’ Night. I’m sitting on the couch with 3 of my friends chugging a big glass of Riesling as they recap the weekly happenings of reality TV shows that I don’t watch. I’m just sitting here, listening to plots of these women’s “lives” that seem to have a continuous stream of craziness, unhappiness and drama. From my awesome deductive reasoning skills, I’ve come to the conclusion that the following story lines happen in every reality show dealing with black women:

Story Line 1…
Girl waiting on Guy to realize she is ride or die. She is invested in him because they have a child together. They play tug of war with their relationship and someone’s crazy momma is involved making things way more complicated than they need to be.

Story Line 2…
Girl 1 is trying to make it in some industry but she has a hater (Girl 3), who happens to be besties with their bestie (Girl 2) so they are always around each other. Everyone ends up at some public function, usually a birthday or launch for a weave product/mixtape and Girl 3 starts shit with Girl 1 and drinks/fists are thrown. Girl 2 ends up crying.

Story Line 3…
Girl 2 goes over to Girl 3′s house and they have champagne while discussing the reasons she needs to apologize to Girl 1. It’s decided that Girl 3 will call Girl 1. Eventually all end up at some restaurant and a fake apology is made or another fight breaks out.

Story Line 4…
Guy has Girl 1 on Mon/Tues/Weds and Girl 2 on Tues/Thurs or whenever Girl 1 kicks him out. Both Girls “fight” over Guy but never stop dealing with him.
Intertwined between these story lines, people have sex with people they shouldn’t be having sex with, everyone travels in limos, there is an emotional song made the studio, lunch is always at a restaurant with cloth napkins, at least one person launches a side venture/business they know nothing about, everybody drinks ridiculous amounts of champagne/vodka/cognac (depending upon product placement deals), AND a fight that requires security breaks out. All of this happens with freshly laid hair, exquisite makeup, 5 1/2 inch heels….and their kids NEVER seem to be around to see Mom twerking, crying, drunk, throwing punches or a combination of all 4.

I know that many young black women striving for a dream of love and career success can relate to the over all theme of these shows, (if you squint your eyes and tilt your head to the left), but can we get a better representation of “us” in this world of reality TV? Where the hell in “reality TV” are the stories of the women that look like the 4 of us sitting on this couch? We are all young, stable, educated black women with interesting and colorful lives striving against the stereotypes being discussed right now. Irony, strikes again!

I’m following along with the conversation and stuffing my mouth with home made tortilla chips. After gasping at several ”oh hell no!” events being discussed during the recap, I realize how intoxicating these stories are. No matter how far from realistic these shows are for us, it’s the reality of television today and it makes me kinda sad…

I’m awakened to fact that although I’m not watching this crap, I’m supporting it by sitting here actively listening to these stories, drinking wine like its nothing. If I want the change to happen, I have to be apart of the discussion.

I put my wine down, clear my throat and pose a series of simple questions:
“How do these shows help women like us? Do you really like how we are represented? What would you change if you could?”

From these questions a constructive and heated debate starts. They stop recapping, I stop stuffing my face and we all start having an enlightening conversation about reality TV, responsibility, and  the black woman. We talk about the things we like, the things we hate and how it relates to the image of us.

I know my questions will not change my friends’ love of the messiness portrayed in these shows, but they opened to conversation to something greater. I may not have the resources available to tell stories like mine and the women surrounding me on this couch (yet), but at least we are starting to speak them into existence.

As I sit and take tally of the women around me, I begin to wonder how radical of an idea it would be to see a reality show starring all of us: 4 young, black, educated women supporting each other through trails and celebrating our triumphs…while drinking wine at a taco themed Ladies’ Night.

Own Your Light & Love

Angie Dapper

(P.S. I hope this inspires more of us to have conversations like this amongst ourselves. Also, check out a cool article about reality shows and perception by Erin Harper, entitled “VH1 Protest Organizer Explains Why She is Full of Hate”)

Friday, April 11, 2014

You're Beautiful Too, Brown Girl...

I read an article this morning about Karyn Washington, creator of  The #DarkSkinRepLip Project and For Brown Girls committing suicide at the age of 22. Although I didn't know her personally, this really touched my soul. To see all the work she was doing to promote self love for all the brown girls, I know she was a beautiful spirit. There are lots of pressures being a young black woman today. I pray this is a wake up call in our community to talk and seek help for mental issues, and I hope through this tragedy other lives are saved.

I dedicate this to the ladies who shine above us, the rebels and the leaders, like Kay who help us find our own beauty. I want you to know you are beautiful too.... 

You're Beautiful Too, Brown Girl...

As little black girls we weren't called "beautiful"...
We were scolded for getting scars on light skin;
yelled at for staying in the sun
too long making us extra chocolaty.
Our hair was ruled "wild"
and tamed by the straightening combs;
hand crafted cornrows accordingly.
Our mothers and grandmothers picked dissected our physical insecurities
and justified it as making us better.

We were taught beauty comes from within...
 So we digested books
We religiously excelled in classrooms.
On paper we were perfect
But we still felt inequity.

They label us conceited,
By the way we hold our heads high in the mirror
as we practice our "smiles"
not knowing we are analyzing the coffee stains on our teeth
and the discoloration on our neck.

We wear a mask of strong
We glide gracefully in the pain of heels
That give a sense of stature
As we look at a world that steals our beauty
yet consistently wants us to conform to their standards.

And we are supposed to support "our"
men who bruise our souls,
as they defend their preference
for the "exotic" type, the fairer skin,
We stand behind them, feed their egos silently...

Silently we sit
on a chopping block of emotion
wanting to just give up
but remembering what we were groomed to be
Then we wake up and leave
being called out our names for
not staying to ingest all our flaws
being thrown at us once again

We walk alone,
with the knowledge of only our shortcomings;
The scars on our souls
And somewhere between lost and found
We meet our kindred spirit,
A bronzed angel who the beauty in us we cannot see,
And they understand our eternal quest
Just to be beautiful as we are...

Her spirit guides us because like us,
They tried to mold her too
But she never conformed
She only knows rebellion.

The Rebel is the Lonely Light
The most tortured of us all,
She feels the need to bare the
insecurities of all the unbeautiful
And lead them to a place of self love...

She shines brightly, our golden sister
For all to see.
She reigns light on our
journey to beautiful,
And even though we worship her spirit
We forget she needs to know
she is beautiful too.

So today, hug the goddesses in your life
Who built you up,
when the world tried to tear you down
And make you feel unbeautiful too...